Periodically Anachronistic

TVDigest, February 1956

2011-12-05T12:38:00.000-05:00

ABC Spared no expense in it's promotion of the All Star Salute to L.B. Mayer. Katherine Hepburn danced while reciting "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck - His Feet Were Filled with Blisters". Hedy Lamar and Marlon Brando performed physical comedy. Farley Granger and Helen Traubell performed dramatic readings from Tolstoy.

And Judy did what Judy did best - she was Judy for five unforgettable numbers. Her version of "You Made Me Want to You" brought tears to L.B.'s eyes.

The only bump in the night was Vera Hruba Ralston who crashed the party and to be removed from the stage by Old Blue Eye's himself.

When Nielson totaled it up, the program delivered a whopping 40 share with viewers, and was only surpassed by the Candle Pin Bowling Championships in Natick, Massachusetts.

HomeWreckers November 1949

2011-12-02T19:45:00.000-05:00

Today's Pilgrim, November 1621

2011-11-19T16:28:00.004-05:00

Always popular, Today's Pilgrim was a mainstay in the homes of those searching for religious freedom for over one-hundred years. Althpugh home subscriptions seldom proved popular - most issues arrived a year out of date, the magazine's most popular feature was it's Seek and Find, because that was what most pilgrim's do. Another must read feature was the Column "Dearest Purdence" in which advice was dispensed:

Dearest Prudence, I take pen in hand to tell thou that thee and thy family abode is overrun with red savages. Will thy testest what thy can do to rid ourselves of these men? Just sign thou "Brad"

Dearest Brad, While it presents certain dangers, thy could expose the savage to the small pox, provided they have have it before hand. Tis extreme, but works. Glory to God all mighty, Prudy

2011-06-16T16:48:00.000-04:00

FOURTEEN "the Magazine that is for-teens" was a product of the puberty paranoia that erupta during the post world war era/ Aimed at the girls who weren't really kids, but then again weren't mature teens, Fourteen found its voice in speaking to angst felt by every girl who is going through that magical and yet scary time that we call puberty.

The publisher felt that they provided an open outlet to speak to the issues of these "tweens", be it the curse of perpetually being surrounded by people who didn't "get them" or the humiliation of treally, really loving a boy and him being to stupid to realize it, Fourteen felt it was there for them.

Dowager Quarterly, April 1962

2011-05-19T10:08:00.002-04:00

Dowager Quarterly was the creation of the house of Lethal Muscato Publications, and has enjoyed a steady, yet elite circulation since 1809. Published Quarterly - a monthly publication would simply raise the eye brows of those who have nothing better to do than gossip - the journal promoted good breeding, proper behaviors and heralded a call aginst those types of social progress that furthered the agenda of the uncouth. Each issue contained consistent features and topics (its "Seating Charts" section was among its most popular recurring features from 1861 to 1969) that reaffirmed to its readership that better living, indeed, could be had through dudgeon.

Knowing, October 1950

2011-05-03T21:09:00.000-04:00

Knowing was the magazine for women who needed to know, but weren't sure where to turn to. Each monthly issue contained stories of women, much like themselves, who had lived life, learned the hard way, and hopefully felt that their stories would somehow help others.

TEACH, May, 1945

2011-04-28T11:46:00.002-04:00

While seldom found at the newsstand, a stray copy of TEACH would occasionally make it to the Principals waiting room where it would be seen by the parent of the playground bully who was waiting for their weekly talk with school administration about their child's need to make others eat worms.

Most would leave the magazine on the table, still some would leaf through the pages looking for coupons. What brought the periodical to its knees was when one of the errant parents would snag a copy and read it only to discover that their child had been nominated to the "Today's Bullies, Tomorrow's Professional Wrestler" feature.

The last issue of TEACH was published in 1956 after the word "teach" was inducted into the popular lexicon as slang for a "hot one" in the classroom..

Hypochondriac's Home Companion, May, 1948

2011-03-22T11:43:00.001-04:00

A longtime favorite with those who will forever hold Catarrh dear to their heart, the Hypochondriacs Home Companion brought hope to the hopeless and a bevy of new diseases each month to those who were looking for a little something different to try in their lives.

HOUSEWIFE, August 1965

2011-03-17T04:20:00.002-04:00

When you stay home, day after day, cleaning, cooking and taking care of others, looking at the drab walls of your tract house that are painted the same dreary colors that you find in most hopsitals, it may dawn on you one day that you have needs, too. And you ask yourself: who will take care of my needs?

Your husband's answer: "Well if I got to stay home all day, I'd think it was a vacation!"

Your daughter's answer: "Oh, you just don't understand!"

Your Mother in Law's answer: "Well I didn't have enough hours in the day to get everything done, and I didn't have all these labor saving devices, but at least my home was clean."

Your son's answer: "Oh, c'mon, nobody likes it when they mother hugs them in public!"

Your minister's answer: "It is better to give than receive."

Your best friend's answer: "You are so lucky to have Chuck and the kids! Believe me when I say that if you were to get run over by the bread truck in front of the grocery next Tueday at 1:30PM, I'd leave Leroy and happily take your place..."

You see, your needs, those feelings that you have been pushing down, down, deep down are at the root of your family's unhappiness. They sense your selfishness - your unhappiness - and that effects them. It even means that their underwear isn't as white as it could be. And it is all your fault.

Its your fault your husband enjoys collecting knives and guns. That your daughter isn't prepared to be good wife to her future husband, and it's also your fault that your son will grow up to be more famous under the stage name of "Formica Dinette" than he could have been as a doctor or lawyer.

And we don't mean to add to your burden, but you are just too hard on others. Take your next door neighbors. They smile when they see you out side hanging your luandry, but they often wonder if you drink alone. Not that they have smelled liquor on your breath - why everyone knows that you are a tea totaller - but when they look at you you seem to give off the aura of someone other than yourself. That accounts for their concern for your family, and it also explains why they never loan you things when you ask.

If you just had an anchor - something to help you get through the day. A little helper that would make it all better.

Now curl up with a copy of Housewife Magazine and read up on everything else that happens when you put your petty, insiginificant "needs" before anyone elses.

SSUWAT, June 1970

2011-03-12T21:47:00.005-05:00

You know, we all have to start someplace.

For Stirred Straight Up With A Twist (SSUWAT), that start began in the polished underground of the bon vivant life style that was so 1960. Oh, it was nothing like Mad Men - SSUWAT was real. It was cool by being hot. It was clean, with a bit of a well placed tattered edge. It was Brooks Brothers and Bon Wit Teller, and not at all Sears Roebuck or - God forbid - Montgomery Wards.

But like all good things, it ended when Kennedy was shot, when Barry Goldwater was nominated and when we lost Stuckey's. The magazine's founder, a Mr. TJB left the periodical when it financiers wanted an article on the versitility of caftans. Mr. TJB refused, stating that caftans we less about fashion and more about loungewear. Unable to sway opinion with the financier, the editor left for London, Julie London, that is.

By June 1970, this was all that was left. Gone were the Martini, the Manhattan and the Gimlet, and hello Long Island Ice Tea, White Russian and something called the Sloe Gin Fizz. And oh, yes. Your Homosexual just wasn't for doing your hair - he was also for parading around. At least you knew why his ass was all chaffed and chapped.

On the cover this month was the most frightening thing to invade the US since locusts swarmed into Oklahoma during the dust bowl: Tina Brown. That's her on the cover. A west-end purse made from a sows ear. Of course she's not the worst thing to hit American periodicals - Mad Magazine forced to accept advertising is that, but she really knows how to shit on everything. Thank God for the plastic surgery on her face, which hasn't looked this good in ages.

Truth is, Tina's face is so tight that she can only smile when she sits down.

In the 1990s SSUWAT was retaken by Mr. TJB in a daring move. He's modernized, fashioned and returned the venerable publication back to his roots. Its credited with making Mad Men really mad for the 1960s.

Gone forever are the articles that made no sense: Chita Rivera Frosts Her Hair and How Polyester Fuels the Jet Set. They have replaced by tasty morsels on all things you need to know, both for fashion and for witty repartee should you decide to sit down with your friends and have an old fashioned chin wag.

Thank God for Mr. TJB, wherever he may be!

Real Life Men's Stories, September 1961

2011-03-09T13:50:00.002-05:00

My father wasn't a happy man. Oh, he had everything that should have made him happy. A wife, three children, two new Impala's in the garage that he paid cash for right off the show room floor.

But what he didn't have was excitement, and he wasn't an object of desire.

The people behind this magazine knew that. And they knew that if he didn't have it in real life, he could live it vicariously through their monthly rag.

Real Life Men's Stories was a magazine that broke all the rules - from their shocking and true exposes to their utter contempt for good grammar, this was a magazine that didn't have time for the niceties of fact checking or proof reading.

It had a mission and that mission was connect men with their visceral need to fight for what was good and right, even when confronted with the necessity of gun violence and women so ripe that they fell out of the tree and onto the hard cold ground of survival of the fittest.

In addition to jammed packed stories of wayward men and the women that made them leave the straight and narrow road of respectability, there were also loads of ads. We're talking thousands of tiny ads for every get rich quick scheme ever imagined. From X-Ray Spec's to Fish Farming For Fun (or Profit), this is the way the real world gets by, damn it.

Wives pooh-pooh'd these magazines, forcing men like my father to hide them under their beds. But it was worth it, damn it. The truth had to be told. Come the revolution, you'll need to know how to survive in the face of sex starved zombies and single digit IQ'd mercenaries. And after they drop the bomb, it could be you and your buddy alone on earth with hot tempered Virago's. They will need your seed to create new life, and you'll need to be ready to pick them off. This is the periodical that will show you how to get job number 1 done.

Thats what a real man's world is all about.

Norma DESMOND Magazine, March 1952

2011-01-31T10:43:00.003-05:00

Lolly Parson's called it the publicity stunt of the ages - a bit of Kabuki theater designed to put famed silent screen star Norma Desmond back on the public radar screen, and boy did it ever. She shoots this guy for running out on her, and then her butler Max calls up silent screen comedian Harold Lloyd and asks what to do.

"Well," says Lloyd, "its a good thing she grabbed that prop gun that you keep in the house or you would have to buy stock in Bon Ami to clean up all the guts and blood. First, I'd get the slob out of the pool before he ruins the water, nurse him back to health in the maid's quarters. Next, call up Stretch Longstreet, no one remembers him or his films. Invite him over for coffee near the cabana - when Stretch's enlarged heart gives out from the caffeine, shove him into the pool and call the cops.

And thats what happened. And then there was all that emoting on the TV screens with Hedda reporting in the background and Lolly Parson's grinding her teeth at home. You know they got Miss Desmond off on a technicality, but by then she was wildly popular with everyone in the country, except Rose Kennedy.

And then, before you know it, Norma Desmond is back up on the screen; she's making movies and selling out theaters, and then launches her own monthly rag. It was so lush - measuring two feet by eighteen inches. Large splashy images, interviews with all the people that one would need to know to get ahead in the film business, and then there were the coupons! Who can forget those!

Even though she's been dead for forty years - she fell out of her famous bed and drowned in a dishpan of water and Epsom salts that she had been soaking her feet in before retiring for the evening - the magazine continues in a sort of sorts.

Sold to Faversham Magazines, and renamed DESMOND, it continued along being the fashionable publication that Norma had hoped it would be. Things changed in 2006 when Faversham was taken over by some lout from London who declared that print was dead. He spent down its capital on foolish things like sub-prime mortgages designed to give value added income to his share holders, and cheap Albanian hookers (as if there is any other kind) for his staff writers. Eventually milked drier than one of Miss Desmond's breasts, its remaining assets were sold to Drinnan Woolens who relaunched the magazine, sans the DESMOND name, as a site for people who loved to knit and Mitten Drinnen it is today.

Of course, Norma would have been philosophical about it. Yeah, shooting that Joe guy was one smart move, but nothing beats a good dying scene in a movie.

Infomaniac Monthly, November 1950

2011-01-25T13:32:00.002-05:00

The origins of Infomaniac Monthly (The Magazine for Bitches who need to know on a need to know basis) are murky, but the "coded" text, for those who didn’t need to know it, was perplexing, to say the least. It’s publisher was a real kitten with a whip who went by the name “Mistress MJ”. Still it was one of the must reads in Ottawa by the territorial government, and said Queen Mary found its contents very subversive - yet she claimed she only read it for the coupons.

Every November the magazine held a contest and gave away either a McLaughlin Buick or a Meteor Niagara (later a LeMoyne). You know, those folks in Manitoba really love their LeMoynes. The only time the contest backfired was November of 1959 when the faithful readership almost rioted when the car give-a-way was a basic Frontenac sedan. Really!

Like all trends, the magazine got popular in the lower forty-eight when husband’s began using the excuse that they “had to cross the Ambassador to get a copy of Infomaniac.” When what they were really up to was visiting the titty bars in Windsor for a show and a quickie lap dance before heading home, the copy of Infomaniac covering their stained trousers.

It reached its frenzied peak in 1970, when the American talk show (of the same name) was hosted by David Suskind, and he invented Maria Muldare to “feltch her violin,” and put on a show for the audience. After that elephant sat down in the living rooms of middle America, you could hear a pin drop. Now that the lid was off the box, and Pandora (and society, too) ran amok in its efforts to find a dictionary and look it up, and break the code. "Feltch. That's a funny word, isn't Andy," Aunt Bea was heard to say in an episode of the Andy Griffith Show.

Oddly, there was no definition for the word until a minister's housewife in the Quad Cities caught "feltching that chocolate pudding out of the container" at a church function. How unhygienic is that? Dessert? I'll pass.

Today, Infomaniac is a blog - electronic media media, they call it. New fangled like dental floss and stuff like that. And at it's essence, its back to being what it was meant to be - the place where Bitches who need to know on a need to know basis find out what it is that they to know.

Thombeau's Weekly, 1936

2011-01-24T22:01:00.009-05:00

Reading Thombeau's Weekly while on the beach in Cape Cod was one of mother's favorite pastimes because it made Rose Kennedy nuts. Of course, Mother loved the articles, but it was the way that its editor framed his opinion pieces that drove Eunice and Jack's mother crazy. Everything was logically free-form and Mrs. Kennedy couldn't wrap her mind around that.

"You know that when the children were young, I would set up a bulletin board with little articles of the day on the wall of the nursery," Rose would begin to blather on hoping Mother would take the chit-chat bait.

"That's nice," Mother would reply, riveted to an article on how Gloria Swanson taught Joe Kennedy to be a cunning linguist. "Really nice." Of course you would only get that type of information in Thombeau's, sandwiched in between pictures of the latest in honor guards wearing avant guard uniforms and recipes for rattlesnake stuffed filets.

And who can forget those crossword puzzles! Each puzzle was really hard - "MOMA and Dada" required that you knew the names of the mothers of the founders the Dadaist movement. Now that was one for the records - and if you were clueless enough to think that the puzzle was about baby talk, well, you missed that boat.

But if you completed the puzzles and found the code, and solved that insiders puzzle, then fabulous things could happen in your life.

The puzzle father completed (Bead's, Bangle's and Bible's) gave him the password to get into San Simeon for the weekend. And even then he had to show it to Hearst's butler to prove he had actually completed the puzzle in ink just to get in the door. But it was worth it; it's how I ended up with Cary Grant and Randolf Scott as my God parents.

An eclectic mix of articles, images and probing questions, it's daring expose "Your Manicurist, Friend or Fiend?" shocked California. It was a guaranteed seller at the newsstands - even housewives in Azusa and El Cerito kept it in the house because it made them feel as if they had arrived. Isn't that charming?

Of course Jackie made sure every room at the White House had the latest issue of Thombeau's on hand. Rose bore a stiff upper lip. She didn't get it, or the allure of Oleg Cassini (which Thombeau's reported on, in depth) and she "missed the only magazine that (she) could evah love," the long defunct Woman's Home Companion, Damn it!

It was daring, and it wasn't for everybody - and if it were, well then, it wasn't Thombeau's. And simply put, if you didn't get Thombeau's Weekly magazine, then you would never get Thombeau's Weekly. Savvy?

VOGUE, January 1900

2011-01-05T12:04:00.000-05:00

VOGUE Magazine has always been a thorn in the sides of women.

While "style" may be indestructible, it certainly goes out of favor in rapid fashion. One month everything is all bosoms and cleavage and the next month they expect you to be flat chested. Smoking is a sign of women's freedom, and then the next minute it makes one smell terribly bad. Bother.

Until the hatching of that Anna Wintour creature, Vogue was a magazine of real style and substance. Ms. Wintour has reduced it to an advertising monthly.

But back in its heyday, Vogue tackled some really difficult topics like "fem" odor, why it was better to keep the teeth you have instead of the type you put in a cup and the importance of looking good after childbirth ("No husband wants to comfort a hot sweaty dying woman who has exhausted her value to him.")

Of course Vogue has missed a few calls in its day. Its most notable mistake was promoting a full bosomy woman in April of 1922, then turning around and declaring the flat chested flapper the style icon of the decade. "It isn't like a men's collar that one can attach to a shirt, or toss away when it get dirty. Do the editors of Vogue not understand that a woman's bosom is attached?" wrote H.L. Mencken.

Needles to today, it still lurks on the nation's magazine stands, and in the homes of people who claim to love it, although the truth is, they only buy it because it makes them look fashionable when they carry it home.

Correspondence Monthly, Febraury 1921

2010-12-28T11:19:00.003-05:00

Its hard to imagine, but once upon a time, letters to loved ones were amongst the most intimate and prized possessions. Now we throw our email in the trash bin before we even open it.

Correspondence Monthly, "The Journal of Informal Letters & Postcards" was once as common place as the Saturday Evening Post in American households, and just as highly regarded as that august publication. With its finger on the pulse of letter writing propriety, Correspondence Monthly set the pace for all that was fit to write between people.

The magazine was the first to suggest in 1850 that penpal relationships require registration "as to prevent the innappropriate communication betwixt unmarried people."

"We find that there is considerable evidence to worry about the outcome of an unmarried man and an unmarried woman communicating to one and other, blindly and without proper supervision. Suggestiveness and base familiarities, most certainly, could enter the communication leading to inappropriate actions, ultimately leading to an undesirable marriage, built upon a foundation of salacious yearnings and unmoderated lust...A national registry of these so called Pen Pals is suggested, however the chaperoning and censor of "Pen Pal" letters must be enacted immediately to save the moral fiber of the nation's young and innocents."

Well, there you have it.

Correspondence Monthly enjoyed great success until the forerunner of email - V-mail, during WWII - broke down all of the carefully crafted rules of writing ettiquette. Like the Axis powers were crused by the Allied Forces, the tissue thin nature of V-Mail, along with the encrochment of abbreviations doomed Correspondence Monthly to ultimate defeat and failure. It, along with other it's offspring (Love Letters Monthly, Penny Postcard Digest and the Journal of Greeting Cards) to moldering in the dank basements of second hand book stores and the trash heaps of history.

ALIBI, June 1956

2010-12-20T17:07:00.001-05:00

ALIBI, The Magazine About the Escapades of Men was a well know periodical of the 1940s and 1950s, and provided a road-map for those who wanted to listen to that little voice inside of them and try things that they may not have considered before. Men, and the men who enjoyed the company of other men, found that ALIBI had its own special code - like reading between the lines, if you know what we mean. As popular in San Francisco as it was in Greenwich Village as it was in sassy New Orleans or morally righteous Oklahoma, ALIBI's core audience was broad and the magazine enjoyed great sales until an ALIBI sponsored party a New York City bar got out of control one night, and the purpose of the magazine was snuffed out in one paltry riot for equality.

Fag Hag Confidential, April, 1958

2010-12-13T18:01:00.000-05:00

Well you know that this one was nothing but trouble.

There have always been women who fall in love with the wrong man. A sizable percentage of women are drawn to men who are drawn to other women. These are the women who love too much. Then there are the women who fall for the guy who shares her adore, in men that is. Fag Hag Confidential was their magazine. A monthly expose of stories written by women just like you, who fall in love with a guy who would rather make goo-goo eyes at Guy Madison than look at your breasts. These men have needs, and they all look like Fess Parker. Well, thats an overstatement - a couple of guys had it bad for Wally Cox. But in the Fag Hag's mind, they are all the women that her "gay" will ever need. And truth be told, thats a true statement. But also truth be told, the guys never need these women as much as these women are willing to put out.

So Fag Hag Confidential fill that one lonely void that only another Fag Hag could understand - that she'll spend the rest of her life waiting for him, and he'll spend the rest of his life wishing that he could find a man as wonderful as she is, but not as needy...

Drama Queen, August 1944

2010-08-26T13:53:00.000-04:00

Drama Queen was a favorite of those who enjoyed playing out all the little scenes in life and was chock full of goodies and new tricks. Darma Queen was also the first perdioical to take the bold step of declaring that dropping one's hankie to lure a man into one's circle of influence was passe, instead insisting that all any man wants is to have a woman grab onto him, sobbing and refusing to let go. In 1929, the magazine even was so bold as to suggest that if one were going to throw themselves out of a window, do so with "flourish and panache" and on an empty stomach.

The Best of Periodically Anachronistic, The Stylus

2010-07-09T21:26:00.000-04:00

Conceived in the wee hours of the 1840s as "The Stylus" by the great Edgar Allen Poe, this journal was to celebrate all the things that Poe held so dear to his bosom: great writing, great drama, great fine arts and the good life and all of its trappings. Poe had intended to base the journal in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and name the periodical "The Penn" which he found a clever play on words. But when the city of brotherly love turned its back on Poe and his attempt to make good, he moved the magazine to New York and rechristened it The Stylus, alluding to the new name as another pun, this time on ancient Greek origins - as the stylus was the forerunner of the pen.

The Stylus as Poe originally envisioned it, according to Wikipedia. Oh, what do they know?

Witty though this may have been, backers failed to come forth for the first iteration of the magazine, so Poe had the cover punched up a bit by adding a better picture and some trendy graphics (see above). Poe thought himself very clever and thought that the shiny new format would toy with the great unwashed, and that his careful selection of writings would gradually expose the common man and woman to higher aspirations. However, he failed to underestimate the American public who found him a moribund little man and couldn't fathom his raging hatred for didacticism.

Without the support of backers, or subscribers, the project failed again, failed again, and died a miserable little death before the first issue was produced. It has been said that the failure haunted Poe until the end of his life, and beyond.

Blame it all on the Asian pornographers

2010-07-09T13:09:00.000-04:00

Dear Reader,

As you may have relaized we are well over due for a new entry, and that will be forth coming soon.

However as you also may have observed, Asian pornographers posing as "blogger" account holders have been spamming PA's comment section and leaving fortune cookie inspired posts and links to sites in which Japanese women are victimized.

So to put an end to that, all comments hence will be screened.

Once the filthy bastards take the hint, then we'll revert to the old comment format.

Yours, anachrontically,

CC

GIRL!, February 1966

2010-06-09T20:01:00.000-04:00

What can you say about a magazine that encouraged its readership to dot their "i"s with happy faces? The magazine that first explored the essence of "etc." as a decorating element when committed to art? Or a magazine that encouraged its readership not just to love pink, but to become the color itself? Or even a peridoical that taught females how to communicate with one and other by using the greeting "Hey, Lady!" in tones so high that only dogs could hear it? That, my friends was the brilliance of GIRL! magazine.

ennui, 1907

2010-05-28T12:03:00.000-04:00

ennui (one of the trendy magazines that never never capitalized the first letter of its name) was the preferred monthly journal of those who preferred to ...well you know. Not interested in this or that, they seldom looked forward to their ennui each month, but a subscription just seemed to drag on forever and a day. Lacking any focus in life, getting the subscription stopped was just more than they could focus on, so that wasn't an option, either. Still published today, each copy of ennui is universally greeted by its subscriber with a "meh" and then tossed onto the coffee table where it gathers dust until someone gets around to just throwing it away.

Strumpet, 1790

2010-05-06T17:44:00.001-04:00

Strumpet, or "The Monthly Rag" as it was known to its readers, infused itself with "all things that a tart, trollope or prostitute should know." Articles covered the the practicle (That Ooze Coming From Your Cooz, Diseases of Love That You Should See A Barber About) as well as the Whimsical - the serialized version of "Peter's Explorations of Virginia" - were also popular.

In 1865 the magazine changed its name to The Hooker's Monthly. Publication ceased in 1968 when the concept of "Free Love" really became free to all. Outstanding content and the magazine's staff were then merged with Business Weeky, since "screwing someone over for a healthy profit" now happened in Board Rooms around the world.

Rubens, 1877

2010-05-04T12:17:00.001-04:00

As strange as it may seem - before there was a Calvin Klein, there was a time when a woman of ample proportions was a valuable asset, an object of desire, and the aspiration of many a man who found their lusciousness an automatic ticket to get ones "schwing" on. Rubens, named for the dutch artist and lover of babes who got back on, catered to those curvy cuties and their love of being pampered. Milk baths, being feted by wealthy men, gowns, corsets and summers in Newport, Florence and Bergdoff's - ah, such was their way of life. Popular with all, even those born with a naturally lean body type, the magazine prospered into the early 1920s when skinny, chain smoking, flat chested flappers became all the rage. And because one's beads did not hang in a straight line down ones chest when one possessed a 42" EE cup, Rubens faded into the Pantheon of the passed periodical. Tis a pity.

War Widows Weekly, 1864

2010-04-29T15:35:00.000-04:00

War Widows Weekly was a popular magazine in the North during the Civil War, and its motto "She is more to be pitied than cenusred" was later turned into a popular tune. WWW, as it was known to its readership help War Widows to fill the empty void by by being widowed by the Civil War. A terrible fate to befall a woman. Easy come, easy go.

Primal Fashion, 25,000 BC

2010-04-13T15:28:00.004-04:00

Why, with the world still fresh and warm from God's oven, and early man unaware of things like self -awareness and bromodosis, did the earliest humans need a fashion magazine? Because even early woman had a right to be beautiful. From fashion to guest editor Cowen Cowie's five minutes of zen before a party, each issue of Primal Fashion packed more into a magazine than most could fit onto a stone tablet in cuniform. Of course fashions and features change over time. Today when we go clubbing, it has different meaning...a much different meaning, of course.

Worth Repeating: Empress Magazine, "Novembre", 1801

2010-04-13T12:39:00.000-04:00

At some point we all have inner doubts. Do we measure up to our own high standards? Do we need to? Do we measure up to our subject's standards, such as they are? Do we even care? Whatever we may think of our subjects, when "putsch" comes to shove, will they die for us, or grab their favorite goat and go off until the coast is clear?

Such was the theme of the self-esteem issue of Empress Magazine in November 1801. Its one thing to be the Empress, its something all together different to be "tres fabulous" in the esteemed halls of hallowed history. So this issue looked at one Catherine II, a mousy little courtesan who went on to be the biggest thing that ever happened to sex until Xaviera took London! And what made Catherine so "Great"? Well according to the magazine, it was all in the careful selection of her lovers. All 1,001 of them.

The Night is Half Gone, 1925

2010-04-11T21:01:00.001-04:00

The Night is Half Gone, A Fortnightly Journal of the Cresent City was a popular periodical found in all proper homes. As popular as it was, the magazine during its life was unable to educate people on the differences between a Beignet and Ben-Wa Dancing Eggs. Upon the death of magazines, the periodical made the jump to web as a blog reaching an audience of romantics with fabulous taste and beefy desires.

MP MrPeenee Magazine

2010-04-09T12:46:00.000-04:00

The forerunner to the popular blog of the same name, MrPeenee tackled the issues of the day, week and year. In its April 1821 issue the magazine introduced the concept of the Brunch. And the rest, as they say, is history, Bitches.

Modern Step Mother, 1948

2010-04-05T16:00:00.000-04:00

There are magazines such as Good Housekeeping and Better Homes & Gardens - magazines for the young homemaker, but what to do for the many, many women who find themselves in the awkward position of being a child's stepmother? For these women, who walked a razors edge of being the wife their husband's desire, and a surrogate to the children that he had for a lousy excuse of a first wife, Modern StepMother was created in 1939.

Modern StepMother picked up where HomeWreckers left off. Each issue contained hints for women who never wanted children, but suddenly discovered that they had a nest full of whiney, bacteria laden kiddies to contend with. One of the records that the magazine could crow about was that it contained more pages of advertisements for boarding schools, military acdemies, convent schools and homes for disturbed children than any other magazine.

Today's Plantation, May 1936

2010-04-05T13:04:00.000-04:00

In 1936 Margaret Mitchell unleash Gone With the Wind on America and suddenly every woman thought she was Scarlett O'Hara. Today's PLANTATION was already a favorite in the deep south. However news stand sales skyrocketed after "The Book" came out. TP, as it was known to its faithful readers was jammed packed with all sorts of helpful hints for treating household employees as owned property. Said Maud Everheart, its Editor in Chief, "While you may not own slaves, you can hire an overseer. Its the little things that count in these troubled times." The magazine enjoyed dwindling sales during the Civil Rights era, however the publication of Mandingo fanned the flames of the glowing embers of forbidden love and the magazine saw a resurgence in the 1970s with risqué articles such as "Be the Belle of The Ball in Bed". A favorite still in Mississippi, southern George and Alabama, the magazine is currently under the editorship of former Senator, Trent Lott.

Lethal Homes & Gardens, 1955

2010-03-30T11:17:00.001-04:00

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Lethal Homes & Gardens found it core audience among women who know what they want, and the men who want them. Each issue was jammed packed with all sorts of useful knowledge - everything from how to pick a lock on a home safe to the joys of self indulgence. The magazines motto was "Take No Shit; Take No Prisoners. But Be Kind About It."

British Colonial Traveller, 1889

2010-03-15T04:02:00.002-04:00

Like ENNUI, British Colonial Traveller (with two "L's" - it was a copyright issue as not to confuse people with British Traveler, the newsweekly) was designed to help people of the Empire plan their travels abraod. However unlike ENNUI - which focused on the leasure class, British Colonial Traveller focused on the more rambunctious parts of the empire and safari's and the like. While mortal peril was a constant for the highly civilized Englishman and his brethern, Traveller tried to bridge the cultural gaps that would otherwise leave a gentleman at a loss on where to get high tea in Rangoon, a proper Prostitute in Tibet or a decent meal in Dublin, Ireland. Should any of these instances present itself and language a barrier existed (Ireland, for example), the periodical provided helpful phrases such as "DO YOU HAVE ANY FOOD FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION?" and "DOES YOUR LOT WASH AFTER USING THE LOO?"

Homewreckers, July 1947

2010-03-07T11:27:00.002-05:00

The Second Wife's Monthly published its first issue in July 1920. The periodical devoted itself to helping the "woman with dreams and aspirations to become a lady by the time she was 30 years old." During the depression, when situations became more dire, it changed its name to simply HOMEWRECKERS to save precious money spent on ink, and changed its tag line to "If you can have a happy home, break one up."

Popular with bar maids, secretaries, housekeepers and exotic dancers, the magazine had many popular features, including "What would you do?" its monthly help column and tips on custom lingeries that offered tips on how to save money by making crotchless panties at home, and the like.

HOMEWRECKERS Magazine published its final issue in 1975. By then everyone was swinging and taking on multiple sex partners, and the decrease in Burlesque houses had cut so significantly into its circulation that the magazine was someone redundent. Said its last publisher Lew D' Trude "We may have given generations of broads tips on anal sex, but we never lost our class."

Careergals, June 1964

2010-03-05T17:32:00.000-05:00

Careergals was the magazine for careergals - that special group of women that refused to find fulfillment in being a normal woman and housewife. Each different edition of Careergals came jam packed with things that businessladies needed to know as they climbed the stepstool of success in the 1960s.

The magazine finally folded in 1972 as more woman became offended by men referring to them as "gals" and "broads".

Said its finally editor, J. Stanley Marchmont to his 60 employees and its token female writer: "When women start dictating to us what we men think Careergals Magazine should be, then its time for us to shut this chick magazine down."

United Kingdom DENTURIST

2010-02-26T11:11:00.001-05:00

{VIA}

Brits are a merry lot. Chin up, shoulder back and tut tut and all that. But when it comes to their teeth they are a jolly lot, they love to smile and all, but you wouldn't want to kiss them. A wee bit snaggle toothed for most. Millionaires should be rolling in money in the nation, selling Dentures left right and center, but strangly, they are not. The UNITED KINGDOM DENTURIST existed to bolster that wobbly lot - reminding them that with the aid of false teeth, England could indeed become a beauty spot.

Schadenfreude, The Newsweekly, June 15, 1958

2010-01-22T10:25:00.002-05:00

Schadenfreude, The Newsweekly, was never afraid to cover the stories that its readers would have much preferred that they sweep under the rug. The alarming trend of girl on girl violence - which was later tied to televised games of roller derby - shocked middle America in the 1950s. Why, you ask. "Girl fights are as old as time, you point out. Well, its because by 1957 "good girls" were tired of simply sticking their tongues out of their mouths and shrieking "Nanny Nanny Boo Boo" at other girls. Without another outlet, they borrowed a few moves from the Boise Bombshells and starting taking great pleasure in slapping, scratching kicking, punching each other. To counter this, Mattel introduced the Barbie doll, which they could dress up and comb its hair. But all Barbie did was push the anger just below the surface, and by 1967 it started to seething to the top... in more rebellious forms.

Schadenfreude, The Newsweekly, June 15, 1617

2010-01-22T09:58:00.000-05:00

What can we say. Its human nature to take some satisfaction in the suffering of someone else, even if it makes Jesus weep. Napoleon's final defeat. The Fall of Hitler. Parker " Jolly" Wentworth's missed polo goal attempt during the 1940 Southampton Polo Club's Invitational Tournament. Its all good. Yet for as appalled as they were to discover that the "rape" in the context of the Leucippus daughters simply meant "kidnapping" and "marriage under diress", the Dutch were oddly attracted to this painting, voting it the painting they would most like to have in their windmill's for 1617.

Bee's Knees, March 13, 1923

2010-01-08T00:00:00.000-05:00

Good Golly, the folks at home just thought that the Bee's Knees (the word "the" was never capitalized) was just about the snappiest rag in its day! Filled with all sorts of good gumbo and if it was in the Knees then it had to be so!

Worth Repeating, Empress Magazine, Brumaire 1801

2010-01-05T15:41:00.000-05:00

Though it had a limited audience, Empress Monthly was a favorite with its readers because it understood what they were up against.

One would think that its subscribers, who had all the comforts afforded royalty, would have a full dance card in life's little fete. Truth be told, aside from producing a male heir, the only other duties were dressing well, and appearing at the ribbon cutting ceremonies whenever a new bakery or meat rendering company opened its doors. Wait, I take that back; as Empress you changed you clothes a great deal - like six or seven times a day. And with all that dressing and undressing, there was no time left for being able to take a mad lark every now and then and go junking like the commoners do - but they, of course, called it "shopping."

For the readers of Empress, life was made up of little trade offs; and there is that constant reminder that with power comes great responsibility. A palace here, a castle there, and all of those furs, the gold and ah yes, the jewels. But at what price? Well, you can't have everything in life; if one can not roll in the hay with the farmer's son because it would be slumming, then one must be content with starting a multi-national conflict over the batting of your eyes at some other Queen's prince royale, or having the head of the Church of State drawn and quartered for disapproving of your extreme wealth, and good fortune, no?

Indeed, it is lonely at the top.

KVETCH, January 1965

2010-01-02T21:04:00.000-05:00

KVETCH, the International Magazine of Complainers, everywhere served to remind the unhappy, that they too had a legitimacy to their being. Each issue was jammed packed with stories about those who give and give and give and give some more only to have the door slammed in the readers face, a cold meal served when everyone else gets something nice and hot and seat in a drafty corner. Its most popular feature was its Seek and Find, which the readers always complained was printed in letters that were to small and words that were too hard to find.

Gourmand Magazine, March 1885

2009-12-30T13:32:00.000-05:00

Ahhh, Gourmand Magazine! The magazine of conspicuous consumption! The magazine renowned for its celebration of shear, and unapologetic, gluttony that reached its Zenith in the era of American Splendor in the late 19th Century. Appearing on each cover was the motto of the periodical, "Jus est Vita", which roughly translated into English as meaning "Gravy is Life". Each month, readers were taken to places that they could only imagine. Bakeries, confectioners, beef houses and Bavarian Breweries - where those with a lush desire for nothing but the best (and as much of it as it was humanly possible to consume) could be had. Even Hetty Green was a subscriber - long cold nights spent lovingly looking through the lush pages, representing the unbridled desire that even the Witch of Wall Street could not supress. That is the real meaning of Kismet.

Two things lead to the eventual closure of Gourmand, however. First, there were very, very short life spans of the readers who seemed to be plagued with all manner of health problems. Gout, apoplexy, catarrh, lumbago and bursitis - all doomed the readership. And if that wasn't enough, there was the Progressive Era, with all of its repudiations and stances on going back to nature and eating diets that couldn't keep a squirrel alive let alone a 450 pound man who would have a Chateaubriand for a night time snack and think nothing of it. Oh, the dreams we had those nights as well.

JoMACFA January, 1774

2009-12-23T16:05:00.001-05:00

If, by chance you were feeling a bit poorly in January, 1775 and waiting at your barber's for a bloodletting pick me up to cure your ills, chances are you find a ciopy of this magazine in his stack of out of date periodicals. And long before there were trendy houses with glass curtain walls and Barcelona Chairs people needed a magazine at what was hot, and what was not, in Colonial Modern terms. And this would be that guide. Who could forget the December 1773 deatiling newest and hottest fad to sweep France but the Crochet and Crochet hook? Well not JoMacfa which covered the fad as it swept the New Jersey colony as coverlets for dairy cattle had the hands of wives of Dairymen everwhere clattering away on their hooks. After all, cozy cow give more milk and better butter!

Heiress, January 1960

2009-12-18T17:41:00.000-05:00

The January 1960 issue of HEIRESS Magazine featured that grand dame, America's own successful rich girl, Marjorie Merriweather Post Close Hutton Davies May (who, after divorcing Mr. May went back to her maiden name), otherwise known as force behind Post Cereals and General Foods. Post always made a name for herself - but she really hit the big time when she bought the entire contents of the Czarist warehouses in Leningrad from Stalin in the 1930s. Thousands of pounds of Czarist bauble for a few bags of frozen peas and brussel sprouts. Post's success was in stark contrast of that of her niece's misfortune. Post was married to E.F. Hutton (Yes, that E.F. Hutton), uncle of Barbara Hutton, the Poor Little Rich Girl herself and was appalled when Hutton bought a small duchy in Denmark for retail. Post on the other hand could buy the riches of Russia for a few frozen peas. Needless to say, Post died in splendor at a ripe old age, while Hutton died in the arms of gigolo in Hollywood.

Unfortunatly, Heiress Magazine enjoyed its heydey during the Cafe Society of the 1930s ad 1940s, and by 1960s its readership had shrunk up to mostly nothing owing to the fact that the Federal Income Tax Code had eliminated most chances for a women of means to be Madcap, and instead was pointing them towards cheap sexual escapades to capture the minds of Americans. By 1970, the magazine was as dead as the Lindy Hop, and with it went Xaiver Cugat's career.

Hypchondriac's Home Companion, June 1888

2009-12-16T17:06:00.001-05:00

Hypochondriac's Home Companion for June 1888 featured cutting edge articles on cutting edge paper. So much so that the issue would have been recalled given the outbreak of papercuts had the Federal Government monitored such things at the time. But if they weren't watching what meat packers put into hot dogs, they certainly weren't paying attention to crudly cut bargain paper in a magazine, either.

SVENGALI, April 1909

2009-12-13T17:15:00.000-05:00

Svengali, The Magazine For Those in The Know and Know They Know It, was a niche market publication favored by soothsayers and those who enjoyed being in the midst of machinations. In addition to personality profiles and how to articles, the magazine also included grocery coupons and a popular puzzles sections. The APril 1909 issue featured a personality profile on the latest rage in Russia, RASPUTAN, a mad monk who made cassocks momentaily popular. He was, however found to be some what of a egoist, and serenaded the Czarina at the annual Surfs Up Ball with with an all too personal version of Sexual Healing. Chaos ensued.

Satyress (United Kingdom Edition), December 1788

2009-11-30T16:03:00.001-05:00

Satyress was the first really popular magazine to delve into the pysche of a woman's sexuality in the Georgeian Era. Founded in 1599 in France, the monthly was an immediate success in its native country. The magazine originally launch in England in 1618, however its publisher, Pilgrim Press, really underestimated the collective power of British scorn and were forced from the nation. Vowing to return, they did so in 1765 and finding the political climate much better, they started the whole shebang back up again, this time to much pomp and circumstance. A sad note: noted French Chemist and cover boy Antoine Lavoisier (above with his wife) would soon be one of the victims of the French Revolution because lovemaking that was "Magnifique" was prohibited under Revolutionary Laws as being a tacic of the First Estate to lull the people into comforts also prohibited under French Revolutionary Courts.

Modern Doyenne, January, 1912

2009-11-29T15:00:00.002-05:00

The editorial Board of Modern Doyenne was sure that the birth of the Progressive era would spell the death of its publication, much as the financial panic of 1893 spelled the end for its sister publications, The Female Maturity Gazette and Crone's Life. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

What almost killed the magazine wasn't its aging subscriber base, but this cover on its January 1912 issue featuring Gertrude Stein.

Feeling that the image made Stein look fat, the magazine sinched her up a bit to make her look more youthful, trim and less dowdy. The outcry from the masses was loud and quite clear. They wanted Stein to look like a Gerturde Stein should look, and to Hell with the makeovers just to sell periodicals.

Ennui, January 1890

2009-11-26T17:27:00.001-05:00

Ennui, the magazine for those who "have it all, seen it all and know it all", was journal popular with those who had every imaginable creature comfort one could ever want and found them selves bored silly with life and those around them. Said George Bernard Shaw "It is the perfect journal for those who can find no joy in the tickle that champagne bubbles can give ones nose."

Burgher, 1759

2009-11-14T12:15:00.000-05:00

The rising middleclass of the German speaking people was centered on consumerism in the 18th and 19th Century. BURGHER, (which eschewed the more mundane spelling of BURGER in favor of the one one that provided a certain something extra) was targeted at the family man who wasn't a cad, but wasn't dead and buried yet, if you know what we mean. Each issue devoted itself to People, Professions, Shopping and with increasing frequency into the 19th Century, the desire to obtain the ulitmate cherry that life had to offer - the French Provinces of Alsace and Lorraine which were just chalk full of goodies and beer.

Alas, the German middle class became increasingly "middling" as time wore on - and as people with aspirations will, set their sites on higher, loftier goals like world domination, instead of a jazzy new coach or baubbles for the little Frau back home. Thus Burgher, like the people of a unified Germany in the 20the Century, became a victim of itself and found itself out of fashion, and out of luck.

Empress, Novembre 1801

2009-11-10T16:41:00.002-05:00

At some point we all have inner doubts. Do we measure up to our own high standards? Do we measure up to their standards? Such was the theme of the self-esteem issue of Empress Magazine in November 1801. Its one thing to be the Empress, its something all together different to fabulous in the esteemed halls of hallowed history. So this issue looked at one Catherine II, a mousy little courtesan who went on to be the biggest thing that ever happened to sex until Xaviera took London! And what made Catherine so "Great"? Well according to the magazine, it was all in the careful selection of her lovers. All 1,001 of them.

Papal Style, November 1855

2009-11-08T18:13:00.001-05:00

If you were in service to the Catholic Church in the 1800s, then you knew that Papl Style was the place to keep tabs on the up and coming fashion for Cleric, Brother, Father and His Serene Holiness himself. While Sisters and Abesses had a long tradition of high fashion (eschewing structured skirts? I mean, how daring is that in the 18th Century!), it was Pius IX who is generally credited with reigning in the high flaluting styles of previous not so pius Pope's and favoring timeless style that endures today.

The White Anglo Saxon Protestant Monthly rePRESS, 1890

2009-11-05T16:24:00.000-05:00

While they are loathe to admit it, the American WASP is an endangered species. At their peak in the 1950s, several million of the hearty people known for the control of their emotions lived across the nation. The November 1890 issue of The White Anglo-Saxon Protestant rePRESS was noteworthy for its feature on the iconic Borden Family of peaceful Fall River, Massachusetts. The highlight of the time spent with the Bordon's the witnessing of a family dispute over a key left on a mantle and a locked door. While nothing was said between them, the writer for the rePOST noted that "Despite the tensions, the family was in complete control at all moments, save for Lizzie whose only outlet was the sharpening the metal of the yard tools for their employment in the next season."

The Journal of British Orthodontics, October 1915

2009-11-04T13:48:00.000-05:00

The Journal of British Orthodontics was not a scholarly magazine per se, but it was written so that patients had something to read in the waiting room other than the children's bibles that salesmen drop off just in case someone needs to have the words to Nearer My God to Thee before seeing the Orthodontist. Each issue was filled with good cheer and matters pertaining to good teeth and gums. The November 1915 issue featured Music Hall Iicon Marie Lloyd who was a spokes person for straight teeth, her's being unsnaggled by an "Ortho" in Glasglow over a period of several years. Yes, she still had a horrific overbite, but her teeth were straight, by God!

Modern Doyenne, November 1793

2009-11-03T21:02:00.000-05:00

Modern Doyenne magazine was a monthly periodical targeted at the women of means living a life of leisure in the newly formed United States. Each issue contained advice columns, fashion and recipes and comments on emerging social customs and the dangers they posed for society.

Young Matron Monthly, October 1848

2009-10-28T00:16:00.003-04:00

Lonely was the woman who gave her heart (and surrendered her life for that matter) to a man under the employ of the whaling industry. Average voyages could last up to eight years at sea looking for whales, following whales, throwing harpoons at whales, only to kill the things and then slice the whales apart for a tepid couple gallons of whale oil, and it just could on and on. During the time that your husband was out looking for Moby Dick, the womenfolk stayed at home and waited and waited some more. IF, and it was a big IF at that, the whaling vessel encountered a friendly ship she just might get a letter every now and then, but that was a rarity because many of the men manning the ships couldn't read or write. While they spent their days at sea waiting, their wives were expected to remain chaste, up beat and only have eyes for "Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the All Mighty". Heaven forbid that Mister came home after a four year stint to find that his brood had grown from three to four, and the youngest a hair past two years old.

Well until such time that he bobbled into the dooryard laden with presents - the likes of which no person could do without - all in miniature and all carved out of whale bone, or whale tooth. Yippee. And if didn't return, her only recourse was to have the lout declared dead and hope some man of means would marry her so she wouldn't become the fifth wheel at her in-laws home. After all, no one wants to spend the rest of their life as a reminder of someone else's death.

Men's Collars Weekly, July 24, 1824

2009-10-26T00:57:00.000-04:00

Specialty publications have always found an audience with those who follow the subjects. Until the 1930s, men purchased collarless shirts and then purchased collars to suit the fashion of the day. But in the 1820s collars on shirts reached absurd heights making it next to impossible for a lady (or anything else for that matter) to turn a man's head lest he sufficate in the high collar of his shirt, or slice his nose off along the thickly starched edge of his collar. Thankfully, someone bright person got the idea that one could have the collar and the shirt together in one garment. Although it should be noted that fashion is fickle, and all things tend to come back into vogue at some point in time.

ZESTY, THE PICTOGRAPHIC WEEKLY, February 28, 1909

2009-10-24T18:01:00.001-04:00

ZESTY, THE PICTOGRAPHIC WEEKLY was the periodical to tell stories through pictures, with minimum verbage. For its February 28, 1909 cover, the magazine featured the richest penny pincher in the world atthe time, Mrs. Hetty Green and her daughter on occassion of her daughters marriage to a man willing to sign a prenuptual agreement. That he was an heir to the Astor name (not so much the fortune, but he did have money of his own) was about the best she could say about him. The cover showed the three principle parties and is noteworthy for Hetty's rapatious express of joy over the situation.

ZESTY would fold in 1913, claiming that it had covered anything and everything worth covering in the world. Today, ZESTY is but a mere blip on the screen of epehmeria. Antique malls alway have one booth, laden down with old copies of ZESTY, arranged by date, and large signs inviting shoppers to buy the issue that came out the week that great grandmother was born. "Its the gift she'll love to get!" the signs state.

Hypochondriac's Home Companion, June 1922

2009-10-23T00:00:00.001-04:00

As we know, the Hypochondriac's Home Companion was a rather targeted audience. The male to female readership was about 40 to 60%, with women having a myriad of things that could go wrong that men could never claim. Though no issue was a million copy seller, one issue dealing with the shame of Flatus (Its causes and possible cures) in 1918, reached a 500,000 press run. Not bad for its time and day.

The Fortnightly Groundling April 23, 1560

2009-10-21T09:23:00.000-04:00

In Tudor England, the common man and woman lived for any news about anything going on around them - and there was a lot of stuff going on. Given the intrigue left behind by the late King, Henry VIII, his son, his two daughters, pretenders to the throne and all the noble men (and women) who got sucked into the intrigue and ended up either surviving or getting their heads chopped off for puicking the worng side, one needed a magazine that could keep it and the rumors all together in one publication.

The problem was that most common folk had no idea how to read, so pictures were very important as well, because everyone understands pictures, unless one was blind, and help for that was year away from appearing. The Groundling was terribly popular and could be found by the money changers at any local market until Oliver Cromwell put and end to the publication during his reign. But then his head ended up on a pike, and the publication started up again as people were wildly interested in knowing who was running the country "now".

The Stylus

2009-10-19T12:52:00.003-04:00

The Stylus as Poe originally envisioned it, according to Wikipedia. Oh, what do they know?

Imperial Concubine Gazette

2009-10-18T22:50:00.003-04:00

Imperial Concubine was the gazette for women in the know, who for lack of peerage or other reasons could not aspire to the formal heights of power, but nevertheless were adroit at wielding their "prowess" to get
ahead in the world through the use of their talented gifts, as it were. The magazine was kept behind the counter of shops because of the suggestive nature of its cover's "flag" which illustrated the true relationship between the noble man and a woman of talents.

*

2009-10-16T00:14:00.003-04:00

* , also known as the periodical without a name was launched in July, 1969.

Conceived as the avant guarde publication of its day, the periodical was considered so cutting edge and exclusive, no copies ever were produced.

The Friday Evening Curmudgeon, March 13, 1953

2009-10-14T06:07:00.001-04:00

A boy never does plan about growing old and grizzled, sometimes it just happens when life serves you up something that you have to choke down, then its you against everyone else. Maybe its because a woman turned you down, or maybe its because she took you up on it. And then there are the women who decide to leave and steal your heart, pack it up their bags and leave for a better life in some far off hoity toity place like Fresno, or Hawhy-ah.

Before you know it, you're as tattered as the coverings over the kitchen winder. You let things go to seed - a bowl of bread and milk is better then bread and water when the world around you starts to change just as you were getting used to the way things were. Well, this here magazine understands its readers, even if it tells you to take a bath every once and while, and maybe call that daughter of yours that went out and married herself one of those chosen people. Now git on out of here before I give you what for... miserable kids...

Empress Magazine, Brumaire (October) 1801

2009-10-13T14:30:00.005-04:00

Trailer Park Majesty, April 1971

2009-10-12T22:33:00.002-04:00

Trailer Park Majesty was the type of magazine that the residents of the nation's mobile home parks loved to hate, but couldn't stop reading. Like the Amish based "Budget", Trailer Park Majesty was the "Tattler of the Trailer Park." Of course the magazine had legitimate roots. Founded in 1930 by Earl Woolumsey, Trailer Park Majesty aspired to ennoble the lives of those who either exchanged their homes for carefree life of a manufactured home, or those who lived in "tin cans" because it, and the magazine were all they could afford. But hey, like the sign says, "Mobile Home Living is Luxurious."

The Journal of New England Haughtiness, November 1875

2009-10-11T20:26:00.005-04:00

Of all of the Alcott's, only Louisa May understood that just as there should be a place for everything, and everything in place, so it should be with great unwashed.

Reason d'etre

2009-10-11T20:01:00.002-04:00

I've often wondered, what would it be like if modern Magazine Culture invaded historical times. After all, there really isn't that much difference between Anna Wintour and Oliver Cromwell, is there? And it's not much of a stretch to imagine that Martha Stewart and Martha Washington were that much different, aside from Mrs. Washington's slaves being property and Ms. Stewart's slavers being called interns, right? (Well, I think that the Washington's were kinder to those working for them, but that's my opinion.)

Anyway, I've been dreaming up "what if" magazine covers for various internet sites for years so why not devote a whole blog to the idea.

So I have contacted Donna Lethal and asked her to add her ideas as well, because they are pretty dog gone great. So we'll see where this kooky and wacky idea takes us. Want to join the Editorial Board? We might just let ya.

I can't promise something every day, let alone seven or eight posts each day, with original graphics, writing and photoshopping (Hell, I can't even figure out Photoshop), but I'll try my best to hit my goal of 60 original imaginary magazine covers by this time next year. While you're thinking that I am hoping Meryl Streep will play me in the movie, I harbor no such illusions: I am doing this for the art of it.