Lethal Homes & Gardens, 1955

{inspired by}

Lethal Homes & Gardens found it core audience among women who know what they want, and the men who want them.  Each issue was jammed packed with all sorts of useful knowledge - everything from how to pick a lock on a home safe to the joys of self indulgence.  The magazines motto was "Take No Shit; Take No Prisoners. But Be Kind About It."

British Colonial Traveller, 1889

Like ENNUI, British Colonial Traveller (with two "L's" - it was a copyright issue as not to confuse people with British Traveler, the newsweekly) was designed to help people of the Empire plan their travels abraod.  However unlike ENNUI - which focused on the leasure class, British Colonial Traveller focused on the more rambunctious parts of the empire and safari's and the like.  While mortal peril was a constant for the highly civilized Englishman and his brethern, Traveller tried to bridge the cultural gaps that would otherwise leave a gentleman at a loss on where to get high tea in Rangoon, a proper Prostitute in Tibet or a decent meal in Dublin, Ireland. Should any of these instances present itself and language a barrier existed (Ireland, for example), the periodical provided helpful phrases such as "DO YOU HAVE ANY FOOD FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION?" and "DOES YOUR LOT WASH AFTER USING THE LOO?"

Homewreckers, July 1947

The Second Wife's Monthly published its first issue in July 1920.  The periodical devoted itself to helping the "woman with dreams and aspirations to become a lady by the time she was 30 years old."  During the depression, when situations became more dire, it changed its name to simply HOMEWRECKERS to save precious money spent on ink, and changed its tag line to "If you can have a happy home, break one up."

Popular with bar maids, secretaries, housekeepers and exotic dancers, the magazine had many popular features, including "What would you do?" its monthly help column and tips on custom lingeries that offered tips on how to save money by making crotchless panties at home, and the like.

HOMEWRECKERS Magazine published its final issue in 1975.  By then everyone was swinging and taking on multiple sex partners, and the decrease in Burlesque houses had cut so significantly into its circulation that the magazine was someone redundent.  Said its last publisher Lew D' Trude "We may have given generations of broads tips on anal sex, but we never lost our class."

Careergals, June 1964

Careergals was the magazine for careergals - that special group of women that refused to find fulfillment in being a normal woman and housewife.  Each different edition of Careergals came jam packed with things that businessladies needed to know as they climbed the stepstool of success in the 1960s. 

The magazine finally folded in 1972 as more woman became offended by men referring to them as "gals" and "broads". 

Said its finally editor, J. Stanley Marchmont to his 60 employees and its token female writer: "When women start dictating to us what we men think Careergals Magazine should be, then its time for us to shut this chick magazine down."

United Kingdom DENTURIST

{VIA}

Brits are a merry lot.  Chin up, shoulder back and tut tut and all that.  But when it comes to their teeth they are a jolly lot, they love to smile and all, but you wouldn't want to kiss them.  A wee bit snaggle toothed for most.  Millionaires should be rolling in money in the nation, selling Dentures left right and center, but strangly, they are not.  The UNITED KINGDOM DENTURIST existed to bolster that wobbly lot - reminding them that with the aid of false teeth, England could indeed become a beauty spot.

Schadenfreude, The Newsweekly, June 15, 1958

Schadenfreude, The Newsweekly, was never afraid to cover the stories that its readers would have much preferred that they sweep under the rug.  The alarming trend of girl on girl violence - which was later tied to televised games of roller derby - shocked middle America in the 1950s.  Why, you ask.  "Girl fights are as old as time, you point out.  Well, its because by 1957 "good girls" were tired of simply sticking their tongues out of their mouths and shrieking "Nanny Nanny Boo Boo" at other girls.  Without another outlet, they borrowed a few moves from the Boise Bombshells and starting taking great pleasure in slapping, scratching kicking, punching each other.  To counter this, Mattel introduced the Barbie doll, which they could dress up and comb its hair.  But all Barbie did was push the anger just below the surface, and by 1967 it started to seething to the top... in more rebellious forms.

Schadenfreude, The Newsweekly, June 15, 1617

What can we say.  Its human nature to take some satisfaction in the suffering of someone else, even if it makes Jesus weep.  Napoleon's final defeat.  The Fall of Hitler. Parker " Jolly" Wentworth's missed polo goal attempt during the 1940 Southampton Polo Club's Invitational Tournament.  Its all good.  Yet for as appalled as they were to discover that the "rape" in the context of the Leucippus daughters simply meant "kidnapping" and "marriage under diress", the Dutch were oddly attracted to this painting, voting it the painting they would most like to have in their windmill's for 1617. 

Bee's Knees, March 13, 1923

Copyright 2009 Stuart J. Koblentz

Good Golly, the folks at home just thought that the Bee's Knees (the word "the" was never capitalized) was just about the snappiest rag in its day!  Filled with all sorts of good gumbo and if it was in the Knees then it had to be so!

Worth Repeating, Empress Magazine, Brumaire 1801

Copyright 2009 Stuart Koblentz, All Rights Reserved

Though it had a limited audience, Empress Monthly was a favorite with its readers because it understood what they were up against.

One would think that its subscribers, who had all the comforts afforded royalty, would have a full dance card in life's little fete. Truth be told, aside from producing a male heir, the only other duties were dressing well, and appearing at the ribbon cutting ceremonies whenever a new bakery or meat rendering company opened its doors. Wait, I take that back; as Empress you changed you clothes a great deal - like six or seven times a day. And with all that dressing and undressing, there was no time left for being able to take a mad lark every now and then and go junking like the commoners do - but they, of course, called it "shopping."

For the readers of Empress, life was made up of little trade offs; and there is that constant reminder that with power comes great responsibility. A palace here, a castle there, and all of those furs, the gold and ah yes, the jewels. But at what price? Well, you can't have everything in life; if one can not roll in the hay with the farmer's son because it would be slumming, then one must be content with starting a multi-national conflict over the batting of your eyes at some other Queen's prince royale, or having the head of the Church of State drawn and quartered for disapproving of your extreme wealth, and good fortune, no?

Indeed, it is lonely at the top.

KVETCH, January 1965

Copyright 2009 Stuart J. Koblentz

KVETCH, the International Magazine of Complainers, everywhere served to remind the unhappy, that they too had a legitimacy to their being.  Each issue was jammed packed with stories about those who give and give and give and give some more only to have the door slammed in the readers face, a cold meal served when everyone else gets something nice and hot and seat in a drafty corner.  Its most popular feature was its Seek and Find, which the readers always complained was printed in letters that were to small and words that were too hard to find.

Gourmand Magazine, March 1885

Copyright 2009 Stuart Koblentz

Ahhh, Gourmand Magazine!  The magazine of conspicuous consumption! The magazine renowned for its celebration of shear, and unapologetic, gluttony that reached its Zenith in the era of American Splendor in the late 19th Century.  Appearing on each cover was the motto of the periodical, "Jus est Vita", which roughly translated into English as meaning "Gravy is Life".  Each month, readers were taken to places that they could only imagine.  Bakeries, confectioners, beef houses and Bavarian Breweries - where those with a lush desire for nothing but the best (and as much of it as it was humanly possible to consume) could be had.  Even Hetty Green was a subscriber - long cold nights spent lovingly looking through the lush pages, representing the unbridled desire that even the Witch of Wall Street could not supress.  That is the real meaning of Kismet.

Two things lead to the eventual closure of Gourmand, however.  First, there were very, very short life spans of the readers who seemed to be plagued with all manner of health problems.  Gout, apoplexy, catarrh, lumbago and bursitis - all doomed the readership.  And if that wasn't enough, there was the Progressive Era, with all of its repudiations and stances on going back to nature and eating diets that couldn't keep a squirrel alive let alone a 450 pound man who would have a Chateaubriand for a night time snack and think nothing of it.  Oh, the dreams we had those nights as well.

JoMACFA January, 1774

Copyright 2009 Stuart Koblentz

If, by chance you were feeling a bit poorly in January, 1775 and waiting at your barber's for a bloodletting pick me up to cure your ills, chances are you find a ciopy of this magazine in his stack of out of date periodicals.   And long before there were trendy houses with glass curtain walls and Barcelona Chairs people needed a magazine at what was hot, and what was not, in Colonial Modern terms.  And this would be that guide.  Who could forget the December 1773 deatiling newest and hottest fad to sweep France but the Crochet and Crochet hook?  Well not JoMacfa which covered the fad as it swept the New Jersey colony as coverlets for dairy cattle had the hands of wives of Dairymen everwhere clattering away on their hooks.  After all, cozy cow give more milk and better butter!

Heiress, January 1960

Copyright, 2009 Stuart J. Koblentz

The January 1960 issue of HEIRESS Magazine featured that grand dame, America's own successful rich girl, Marjorie Merriweather Post Close Hutton Davies May (who, after divorcing Mr. May went back to her maiden name), otherwise known as force behind Post Cereals and General Foods.  Post always made a name for herself - but she really hit the big time when she bought the entire contents of the Czarist warehouses in Leningrad from Stalin in the 1930s.  Thousands of pounds of Czarist bauble for a few bags of  frozen peas and brussel sprouts.   Post's success was in stark contrast of that of her niece's misfortune.  Post was married to E.F. Hutton (Yes, that E.F. Hutton), uncle of Barbara Hutton, the Poor Little Rich Girl herself and was appalled when Hutton bought a small duchy in Denmark for retail. Post on the other hand could buy the riches of Russia for a few frozen peas.  Needless to say, Post died in splendor at a ripe old age, while Hutton died in the arms of gigolo in Hollywood.

Unfortunatly, Heiress Magazine enjoyed its heydey during the Cafe Society of the 1930s ad 1940s, and by 1960s its readership had shrunk up to mostly nothing owing to the fact that the Federal Income Tax Code had eliminated most chances for a women of means to be Madcap, and instead was pointing them towards cheap sexual escapades to capture the minds of Americans.  By 1970, the magazine was as dead as the Lindy Hop, and with it went Xaiver Cugat's career.

Hypchondriac's Home Companion, June 1888

Hypochondriac's Home Companion for June 1888 featured cutting edge articles on cutting edge paper. So much so that the issue would have been recalled given the outbreak of papercuts had the Federal Government monitored such things at the time.  But if they weren't watching what meat packers put into hot dogs, they certainly weren't paying attention to crudly cut bargain paper in a magazine, either.

SVENGALI, April 1909

Copyright 2009 Stuart J. Koblentz

Svengali, The Magazine For Those in The Know and Know They Know It, was a niche market publication favored by soothsayers and those who enjoyed being in the midst of machinations.  In addition to personality profiles and how to articles, the magazine also included grocery coupons and a popular puzzles sections. The APril 1909 issue featured a personality profile on the latest rage in Russia, RASPUTAN, a mad monk who made cassocks momentaily popular.  He was, however found to be some what of a egoist, and serenaded the Czarina at the annual Surfs Up Ball with with an all too personal version of Sexual Healing.  Chaos ensued.

Satyress (United Kingdom Edition), December 1788

Copyright 2009 Stuart J. Koblentz

Satyress was the first really popular magazine to delve into the pysche of a woman's sexuality in the Georgeian Era.  Founded in 1599 in France, the monthly was an immediate success in its native country.  The magazine originally launch in England in 1618, however its publisher, Pilgrim Press, really underestimated the collective power of British scorn and were forced from the nation.  Vowing to return, they did so in 1765 and finding the political climate much better, they started the whole shebang back up again, this time to much pomp and circumstance.   A sad note: noted French Chemist and cover boy Antoine Lavoisier (above with his wife) would soon be one of the victims of the French Revolution because lovemaking that was "Magnifique" was prohibited under Revolutionary Laws as being a tacic of the First Estate to lull the people into comforts also prohibited under French Revolutionary Courts.

Modern Doyenne, January, 1912

The editorial Board of Modern Doyenne was sure that the birth of the Progressive era would spell the death of its publication, much as the financial panic of 1893 spelled the end for its sister publications, The Female Maturity Gazette and Crone's Life.  Nothing could have been further from the truth. 

What almost killed the magazine wasn't its aging subscriber base, but this cover on its January 1912 issue featuring Gertrude Stein. 

Feeling that the image made Stein look fat, the magazine sinched her up a bit to make her look more youthful, trim and less dowdy.  The outcry from the masses was loud and quite clear.  They wanted Stein to look like a Gerturde Stein should look, and to Hell with the makeovers just to sell periodicals.

Ennui, January 1890

Copyright 2009 Stuart J. Koblentz

Ennui, the magazine for those who "have it all, seen it all and know it all", was journal popular with those who had every imaginable creature comfort one could ever want and found them selves bored silly with life and those around them.  Said George Bernard Shaw "It is the perfect journal for those who can find no joy in the tickle that champagne bubbles can give ones nose."

Burgher, 1759

Copyright 2009 Stuart J. Koblentz

The rising middleclass of the German speaking people was centered on consumerism in the 18th and 19th Century.  BURGHER, (which eschewed the more mundane spelling of BURGER in favor of the one one that provided a certain something extra) was targeted at the family man who wasn't a cad, but wasn't dead and buried yet, if you know what we mean.  Each issue devoted itself to People, Professions, Shopping and with increasing frequency into the 19th Century, the desire to obtain the ulitmate cherry that life had to offer - the French Provinces of Alsace and Lorraine which were just chalk full of goodies and beer. 

Alas, the German middle class became increasingly "middling" as time wore on - and as people with aspirations will, set their sites on higher, loftier goals like world domination, instead of a jazzy new coach or baubbles for the little Frau back home.  Thus Burgher, like the people of a unified Germany in the 20the Century, became a victim of itself and found itself out of fashion, and out of luck.

Empress, Novembre 1801

Copyright 2009 Stuart Koblentz

At some point we all have inner doubts.  Do we measure up to our own high standards?  Do we measure up to their standards?  Such was the theme of the self-esteem issue of Empress Magazine in November 1801. Its one thing to be the Empress, its something all together different to fabulous in the esteemed halls of hallowed history.  So this issue looked at one Catherine II, a mousy little courtesan who went on to be the biggest thing that ever happened to sex until Xaviera took London!  And what made Catherine so "Great"?  Well according to the magazine, it was all in the careful selection of her lovers.  All 1,001 of them.