Journal of Mid West Art, September, 1968

Braddock's masterwork was found so shocking that it was instantaneously collectible.

Hypochondriac's Home Companion, March, 1945

Where does one vacation when you only have 48 hours to live?

Yes, this existed.  It was photographed in Great Britain, where lounge wallpaper is its most dreadful.

Modern Step Mother, September 1961

M'lady's Pre-Moistioned Towelette

"In a Capitol City, locked in a hot and streamy summer, rocked by the dishonest leadership of a tyrannical President, two people from two different worlds collide.  After facing each other down in a Sub Committee on Rotary Funds, in a Conference room with failing air conditioning, Grant Manning and Isolde Devereaux were on opposite sides of the argument over the amortization of debt by closely held assets controled by Amalgamated International Incorporated.  Released from their captivity by the sub committee chair, smashing down his gavel on the plith, they both found themselves spent by the elevators.  Isolde's decolletage, glistening with dewy woman musk as her chest heaved in the cooling air.  Her eyes were ashamed at home they soaked up the image of Grant's shirt, clinging to his perfectly sculpted chest.  He reached into his suit jacket and pulled out an unopened towelette from the Chinese carryout, riped it open in his manly hands and offered it to her.  "Would m'lady care for a refreshing towelette?"   "Yes," she replied, "yes, I would."

A Jocko Romance: When Did I Become That Kind of Girl

Exchange student from Denmark, Gertruda Ruudenspat was looking forward to spending her senior year in an all-American town like Entway, Illinois.  But did she find herself the talk of the town for all the wrong reasons even if they were true?  Gertruda found herself yearning for something real, something bird watching with her host father could provide.  It all changed when she felt the forbidden electricity of illicit avocational love begin to smolder.  Once the woodpecker was out of its tree, could she forget the unspeakable joy of spotting her first titmouse?  Only under the knowing and sensitive pen of Clevette Thrush could such a story be told.

Claudine Longet Mystery, No. 14, 1970

Not a magazine, but a book series that helped to shoot Claudine Longet to the top of the teen girl mystery phase.  Each book - about four per year - showcased the French singer as she toured towns around the world, and the intrigue that enveloped her.  "I never go looking for trouble, trouble seeks me, calls my name and demands my attention."  The series, penned by the equally mysterious Wilhelmina Andrews, who never gave live interviews, was a good seller until Longet's decision to leave the life of fame and take up skiing and a more quiet lifestyle.

Modern Step Mother, August 1958

Known for its frank discussions on the sacrifices of sending ones beloved step children to the best boarding schools, and being a rock for ones husband in not flying them home for the holidays ("Charlton, now what kind of holiday will they have if they have to spend 13 hours on a jet each way?  And think of the good you'll be undoing by throwing them into an English speaking holiday - they'll lose all their proficiency in French!"), each issue of Modern Step Mother was filled with handy tips for keeping the hubby happy and his ex wife at bay.

Windsuiting, February 2003

Windsuiting was, and still is, the monthly magazine for women who have embraced the windsuit lifestyle.  Their legion's grow, because at some point all middle class Mom's whose only goal was to take care of the husband and the kids want to give up the drudgery of looking their best for the allure of wash and wear weatherproof nylon suits matched with turtlenecks.  Who could possibly resist?

New England Journal of Haughtiness, May 1909

Month in, month out, this staid journal never was one to cross any line in the sand that it had drawn for others.  In May, 1909, the Editorial Board launched an ill-fated war on contractions, feeling that they were at the root of society's ills.

Frigid Magazine

Yes, after four years, we are back, having just unearthed this 1950 copy of Frigid magazine.

Frigid was the magazine for women who had their man and their security, but felt that they had done their job by enduring sex with their husbands.  Better yet, had they borne their husband a child, then they were to worshiped, not degraded by having sex in the missionary position.  

In 1959, the magazine published the expose "If my husband would only take a mistress" which discussed how his dalliances could help his wife feel clean and morally superior.

In 1969, the magazine published "My husband is a Homosexual, and I couldn't be happier".   The author stated "I no longer have to fear intercourse with him because he isn't the least bit interested.  Of course he wants me to look beautiful, and lavishes attention upon my needs, but I no longer have to handle his genitals - other men do that for me.  And that is a fair trade - who needs sex when you can have companionship!"

TVDigest, February 1956

ABC Spared no expense in it's promotion of the All Star Salute to L.B. Mayer.  Katherine Hepburn danced while reciting "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck - His Feet Were Filled with Blisters". Hedy Lamar and Marlon Brando performed physical comedy.  Farley Granger and Helen Traubell performed dramatic readings from Tolstoy. 

And Judy did what Judy did best - she was Judy for five unforgettable numbers. Her version of "You Made Me Want to You" brought tears to L.B.'s eyes.

The only bump in the night was Vera Hruba Ralston who crashed the party and to be removed from the stage by Old Blue Eye's himself.

When Nielson totaled it up, the program delivered a whopping 40 share with viewers, and was only surpassed by the Candle Pin Bowling Championships in Natick, Massachusetts.

HomeWreckers November 1949

FOURTEEN "the Magazine that is for-teens" was a product of the puberty paranoia that erupta during the post world war era/  Aimed at the girls who weren't really kids, but then again weren't mature teens, Fourteen found its voice in speaking to angst felt by every girl who is going through that magical and yet scary time that we call puberty.

The publisher felt that they provided an open outlet to speak to the issues of these "tweens", be it the curse of perpetually being surrounded by people who didn't "get them" or the humiliation of treally, really loving a boy and him being to stupid to realize it, Fourteen felt it was there for them.  

Dowager Quarterly, April 1962

Dowager Quarterly was the creation of the house of Lethal  Muscato Publications, and has enjoyed a steady, yet elite circulation since 1809.  Published Quarterly - a monthly publication would simply raise the eye brows of those who have nothing better to do than gossip - the journal promoted good breeding, proper behaviors and heralded a call aginst those types of social progress that furthered the agenda of the uncouth.  Each issue contained consistent features and topics (its "Seating Charts" section was among its most popular recurring features from 1861 to 1969) that reaffirmed to its readership that better living, indeed, could be had through dudgeon.

Knowing, October 1950

Knowing was the magazine for women who needed to know, but weren't sure where to turn to.  Each monthly issue contained stories of women, much like themselves, who had lived life, learned the hard way, and hopefully felt that their stories would somehow help others.

TEACH, May, 1945

While seldom found at the newsstand, a stray copy of TEACH would occasionally make it to the Principals waiting room where it would be seen by the parent of the playground bully who was waiting for their weekly talk with school administration about their child's need to make others eat worms.

Most would leave the magazine on the table, still some would leaf through the pages looking for coupons.  What brought the periodical to its knees was when one of the errant parents would snag a copy and read it only to discover that their child had been nominated to the "Today's Bullies, Tomorrow's Professional Wrestler" feature.

The last issue of TEACH was published in 1956 after the word "teach" was inducted into the popular lexicon as slang for a "hot one" in the classroom..

Hypochondriac's Home Companion, May, 1948

A longtime favorite with those who will forever hold Catarrh dear to their heart, the Hypochondriacs Home Companion brought hope to the hopeless and a bevy of new diseases each month to those who were looking for a little something different to try in their lives.

HOUSEWIFE, August 1965

When you stay home, day after day, cleaning, cooking and taking care of others, looking at the drab walls of your tract house that are painted the same dreary colors that you find in most hopsitals, it may dawn on you one day that you have needs, too.  And you ask yourself: who will take care of my needs?

Your husband's answer: "Well if I got to stay home all day, I'd think it was a vacation!"

Your daughter's answer: "Oh, you just don't understand!"

Your Mother in Law's answer: "Well I didn't have enough hours in the day to get everything done, and I didn't have all these labor saving devices, but at least my home was clean."

Your son's answer: "Oh, c'mon, nobody likes it when they mother hugs them in public!"

Your minister's answer: "It is better to give than receive."

Your best friend's answer: "You are so lucky to have Chuck and the kids!  Believe me when I say that if you were to get run over by the bread truck in front of the grocery next Tueday at 1:30PM, I'd leave Leroy and happily take your place..." 

You see, your needs, those feelings that you have been pushing down, down, deep down are at the root of your family's unhappiness.  They sense your selfishness - your unhappiness - and that effects them.  It even means that their underwear isn't as white as it could be.  And it is all your fault.

Its your fault your husband enjoys collecting knives and guns.  That your daughter isn't prepared to be good wife to her future husband, and it's also your fault that your son will grow up to be more famous under the stage name of "Formica Dinette" than he could have been as a doctor or lawyer. 

And we don't mean to add to your burden, but you are just too hard on others.  Take your next door neighbors.  They smile when they see you out side hanging your luandry, but they often wonder if you drink alone.  Not that they have smelled liquor on your breath - why everyone knows that you are a tea totaller - but when they look at you you seem to give off the aura of someone other than yourself.  That accounts for their concern for your family, and it also explains why they never loan you things when you ask.

If you just had an anchor - something to help you get through the day.  A little helper that would make it all better.

Now curl up with a copy of Housewife Magazine and read up on everything else that happens when you put your petty, insiginificant "needs" before anyone elses.

SSUWAT, June 1970

You know, we all have to start someplace.

For Stirred Straight Up With A Twist (SSUWAT), that start began in the polished underground of the bon vivant life style that was so 1960. Oh, it was nothing like Mad Men - SSUWAT was real.  It was cool by being hot. It was clean, with a bit of a well placed tattered edge.  It was Brooks Brothers and Bon Wit Teller, and not at all Sears Roebuck or - God forbid - Montgomery Wards.

But like all good things, it ended when Kennedy was shot, when Barry Goldwater was nominated and when we lost Stuckey's.  The magazine's founder, a Mr. TJB left the periodical when it financiers wanted an article on the versitility of caftans.  Mr. TJB refused, stating that caftans we less about fashion and more about loungewear. Unable to sway opinion with the financier, the editor left for London, Julie London, that is.

By June 1970, this was all that was left.  Gone were the Martini, the Manhattan and the Gimlet, and hello Long Island Ice Tea, White Russian and something called the Sloe Gin Fizz.  And oh, yes.  Your Homosexual just wasn't for doing your hair - he was also for parading around.  At least you knew why his ass was all chaffed and chapped.

On the cover this month was the most frightening thing to invade the US since locusts swarmed into Oklahoma during the dust bowl: Tina Brown.  That's her on the cover.  A west-end purse made from a sows ear.  Of course she's not the worst thing to hit American periodicals - Mad Magazine forced to accept advertising is that, but she really knows how to shit on everything.  Thank God for the plastic surgery on her face, which hasn't looked this good in ages. 

Truth is, Tina's face is so tight that she can only smile when she sits down.

In the 1990s SSUWAT was retaken by Mr. TJB in a daring move.  He's modernized, fashioned and returned the venerable publication back to his roots.  Its credited with making Mad Men really mad for the 1960s.

Gone forever are the articles that made no sense: Chita Rivera Frosts Her Hair and How Polyester Fuels the Jet Set.  They have replaced by tasty morsels on all things you need to know, both for fashion and for witty repartee should you decide to sit down with your friends and have an old fashioned chin wag.

Thank God for Mr. TJB, wherever he may be!